Psalm 46:10

It has been a strange past week or so, but let me begin with one of my last journal entries:

“Father, please forgive me. I think I am always searching, always hoping, always waiting for my life/ministry to begin. Forgive me for having expectations of what that is supposed to look like. I have this false idea that it will be something huge, something dramatic and life changing, and once I get involved, I will know that this is IT. This is what you created me for. I have always believed that my entire life is my ministry in that I should be showing Jesus’ by the way I love those around me, but either I have not really understood what that means or I just often forget.”

            I often am trying to figure out what I am actually doing for the Lord, asking myself, where is the fruit of my labor? I fix my eyes on organizations and specific ministries that Jesus may be calling me to. More importantly than loving others, God desires for us to love him first. More importantly than what I do for the people of Rwanda, God has been asking me to be still in his presence and just spend time building my relationship with him. Which is so consistent with everything I know to be true about God’s heart, yet I still can so easily be distracted by my own thoughts and Satan’s whispered lies.

            It is so incredibly easy for me to become goal oriented rather than relationship focused. In the past few weeks, we have had so much more down time than I expected, and I slowly become angry that I came on this mission trip to sacrifice myself to serve, yet I was spending hours with little to do. The more time I had to spend however I wanted, the more frustrated I became and defiant to listening to anything the Lord was trying to speak to me. I was so distracted with thoughts about home, expectations of what ministry would look like, and anxiety that I wasn’t doing as much as I should. Without even recognizing it, I was measuring my faithfulness by works. So YET AGAIN, I have been smacked in the face by God’s grace. Will I ever learn to trust that he is living inside me and takes me just the way I am? Engrave it in my heart Lord! As annoying as it may be, it is simply beautiful that he continues to teach me the same thing over and over again in all different ways.

            This trip started out with such a bang with the absurdity of the church and the push to preach, that I expected it to continue in growth opportunities and uncomfortable steps of faith. This is what I thought mission trips are all about, right? But this lifestyle of the same meal every day, long walks across town multiple times a day, sharing a living space with eight other people, etc. has begun to feel pretty normal. And most days go by pretty quietly. (Well almost…being stared at everywhere I go, while people shout “mizungo” from a million different directions, and the drama of cultural differences, has yet to feel normal haha.) God took my expectations, per usual, and flipped them all around.

            I have felt him calling me, yearning me to be still and sit in his presence, but I was incapable of doing so while I clung to my anxious thoughts. As I became more frustrated, I spoke to my team about how I was feeling and they taught me that most of the time on the World Race, you have to decide for yourself how you want your ministry to look. So they encouraged me to ask the Lord if there were any people in the community he wanted me to get to know during our time off or anything else he was leading me to do. This brought me to the realization that I was depending on the structure of the trip rather than the Holy Spirit’s leading.

            We don’t need any human to lead us to the love the people God calls us to love. Having an organization, structure, and fellowship are all very important and definitely beneficial, but they are not the essentials. The essentials of ministry are the Holy Spirit, the Word, and a willingness to trust that the Lord will use you for his kingdom work. God brought me to Africa to teach me, once again, he doesn’t need me, he just wants me! He chose me, and he chooses you, because he delights in us (Psalm 22:8). He doesn’t desire slaves to obey his list of commands. He wants your heart, soul, and mind to be totally captivated by his heart and offered to his divine power.

            God may be glorified just as much in a conversation with a family member as he may be glorified in preaching in a church, or as he may be glorified by spending an afternoon in solitude, listening to what he has to say to you. I need to remember to let go of expectations of how I think God will work, and let him surprise me in the unique and sweet ways he always does.

Prayer Requests/Answers:

-Praise the Lord that he spoke through me in preaching again! I talked about learning how to recognize the voice of God, and how eager he is to have a communicative relationship with you. We even took a couple minutes at the end to be still, ask our Father to speak, and listen. I loved that God lead me to preach about being still because it is just not something this church would normally do AND it is something that I am learning right alongside them. They are all about singing and dancing (which I absolutely love), but sometimes God just wants us to listen:)

-My teammate Ada has a sinus infection or some type of head cold and is absolutely miserable. Please pray for her healing and that she would take the time to rest.

-God is also already working to help the street boys. There is an older boy in the church (I think around 18 years old) who has totally taken over loving on these kids. He and Johnathan have been becoming super close and have already written letters to local agencies and Unicef about raising support!

…I don’t have much time left so I will post more on here soon. Love you!       

“Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth”

-Psalm 46:10

Quick Update!

First of all, sorry for not blogging more! It has been a strange past week or so. I finally wrote another blog but now the file is refusing to convert to this computer so I will have to wait and post it tomorrow:( But I will quickly write out a few prayer requests:

-Energy levels are lowering across the team, so pray for new strength!

-We have been getting to know a couple of the street kids (all boys) who are desperately in need of the love and support of a family, so please pray for guidance on what is appropriate and what would be the most beneficial way to support these boys long-term

-I will be preaching again tonight, and I have no idea what I should talk about yet

-Communication has been difficult, especially with trying to plan anything with Pastor Caleb (our main contact here). Something that seems to be true of most people we have been communicating with here is that people tend to not listen, no matter how many times you repeat yourself. I’m not sure if it is cultural or what, but prayers for patience and understanding would be wonderful.

Thank you again, to everyone who has faithfully been supporting me! I have seen many prayers answered and the power of the Spirit moving like wildfire in so many ways that I have yet to write about on here. Please forgive me for not communicating more, access to internet can be far and few between!

Brokenness Aside

           Thank God for his promise to be faithful! So much has happened the past couple of days and I have no idea how to summarize it all. I feel so free! I am free to dance, free to sing, free to be me:) The verse that has been on my heart lately is Philippians 1:6:

"...being confident of this, He who began a good work in you will carry it out until the day of completion."

           Every time I begin to doubt myself, I am reminded of the Lord’s promise to never give up on the work he has started in my soul.

The ministry here in Rwanda is FAR from what I thought it would be. After all I have heard about Africa (as well as what I experienced in Uganda), I was expecting a soulful, worshipful, living and breathing bridegroom of a church. The worship is most definitely spirit filled and beautiful, but sometimes it feels forced. Parents seem to train their kids from birth how they should act when filled with the spirit, and the church’s people seem to just imitate the ridiculous screaming and shouting that they see portrayed on the televangelist programs all over the limited TV and radio media here. I know this sounds judgmental, but it was honestly my original thoughts as I stepped into the church. I have been praying for the Lord to soften my dumb cultural pride and forgive me for thinking one way of worship is ever any better than another, and he has already begun answering my prayers by giving me SUCH a HEART for these precious sons and daughters of God.

            Aside from the worship that I am beginning to appreciate...while hoping it is actually glorifying rather than a performance...the gospel that has been being preached here is so twisted and far from the truth that it makes me sick to my stomach. It took a couple of church services for not only each of us to try to understand what was being said by the translator, but also for our entire team to be united in the fact that what was being preached is not the true gospel. I’m not sure why I immediately felt uncomfortable in the church, but right from the start of the first sermon, I knew something was off. My heart was breaking for the lies that I was hearing being declared and every part of my heart and soul wanted to run screaming from the church, and fall on my knees in prayer. But no one else seemed to be reacting, tossing me me into a twisting anxiety of confusion asking God, what the heck do you even have me here for? I learned later that the rest of my team just did not really understand yet what was going on, but at the time they seemed to be expressing that our ministry was more focused on our team’s family, who they are with for the entire year, in contrast to the month long period you get in each country’s ministry.

A visiting pastor from Kigali has been delivering the sermons, and he seemed to preach the prosperity gospel. This is basically the idea that God is a vending machine, giving out good gifts when you give him the right thing (whether that be good behavior, fervent prayer, etc.) He was leaving out the truth of God’s grace and the price Christ paid to set us free from trying to earn God’s attention! The pastor claimed that if you were poor, it meant you were not praying, fasting, sacrificing enough. He claimed that ever since he gave his life to Christ, he was healed from sickness and would continue to be healthy until he sinned again (yes, he actually believed he lived without sin). I mean it was comparable to the Old Testament craziness of people coming up to offer sacrifices of cows or watches and paying for blessings. Within a couple of fired up conversations back at home with my team, we discussed what we believed was missing from the teaching, and we knew that we had to speak up.

Once confirmed by the team that we could not let this go on without taking action, I felt the Lord leading me to speak. I have known from the first day we met the original church’s Pastor Caleb that we would be preaching, but as previously mentioned, I was NOT a fan of the idea. Despite my lack of ability, God kept nudging me to stand up for the truth. The more my team encouraged me to be the first one to preach, the more I fought the idea. I so badly desire to be bold in my faith, but my self-doubt and lack of confidence in speaking in front of a crowd squelch out the fight in me. I have taken public speaking classes, lead bible studies, given talks in leading WyldLife, but never have I ever felt like I did any of this successfully. I always freak myself out and worry so much about it that even if I prepare for days ahead, the delivery has consistently been horrific. Naturally, this has lead me to avoid public speaking at all costs and to identify myself as a listener and encourager in a few intimate relationships rather than to lead a whole body of people. Okay God? Thanks.

Haha but that's not how my Father works! God never asks people to stay where they are comfortable and he certainly cannot teach you anything if you build up walls of security around anything that may feel risky.

So I prayed. read. prayed. stressed. and prayed some more.

While I had been in the church services and avoiding making a scene by running away, I chose to read and pray instead. OH and the Lord SO USED THAT TIME to teach me what he wanted me to say! I kept coming across verses that totally shed light on the truth of the gospel in contrast to the lies that I had been hearing. Once I finally decided to listen to the Holy Spirit’s leading, I spent about an hour or so with Johnathan preparing to preach about grace in Christ Jesus. Considering God has been teaching me all about his grace the past couple of months, along with Joe who has been trying to call me Grace ever since he met me, I deemed it appropriate. And what better way to explain grace and cast out any room for Satan to deceive my message than by preaching the basic story of who Jesus was, why he came, and the victory he won?! Somehow Johnathan and I were able to come up with about a 40 minute sermon and after a few hours of anticipation (we JUST found out yesterday that we had the time difference wrong here, hahah just for a glimpse of how secluded we are), it was time for me to go up and speak.

After all the prayer and powerful encouragement from my team, somehow the Holy Spirit was able to overtake me to walk me up in from of the church. As I prayed that none of my words would be my own, He gave me confidence that I am the Lord’s servant and tool, who he will use for his glory, brokenness aside. After all the times that I have failed to understand God’s grace, and fallen to some of the same basic ideas that these people were believing, the Lord had been preparing me so that he could use me to declare the truth to cast out the lies! And honestly, I have no idea how the translator was portraying my message, so the Spirit could have easily interceded and taught the people exactly what he wanted them to hear, which could have been totally different from what I thought I was preaching. AH! How crazy is that? He doesn't need us, but he lets us partake in the expanse of his glorious kingdom work. There's no way we can mess it up, we have His spirit guiding us every step of the way! It is for freedom, that Christ has set us free! What a beautiful picture of God’s incredible grace. Wow. I am so excited and so in love with my Savior. So sorry for rambling but I DID IT:) Despite all the ways I tried to fight it, the Lord used me as his mouth in a church in the middle of Africa. I mean...what?

As my sweet Rwandan brothers & sisters would proclaim:

Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

What Are You Doing to Create Change?

I once read a book that perfectly described the way I have been feeling as I have been on this journey, and I will attempt to relay it along with my own ideas. As I look around at the poverty and injustice in the world, I cannot help but to occasionally question whether the Lord is good. But every time I ask God why he allows so much suffering and injustice, he asks me the same thing. What am I doing to fix the broken, to heal the hurt, to call the self-seeking to a greater good, to educate those unable to afford the precious cost of schooling?

God is sovereign (Proverbs 16:1-4), but he has equipped you and I with gifts and talents that only WE can use to glorify him. We are all given a specific role to play in the advancement of God’s kingdom, but it is our decision whether we listen and/or follow that individual call.

As we walked home along the scarlet dirt roads from Pastor Caleb’s house this morning, my team member Justin made the comment,  

“God won’t do what you can, he will do what you can’t.”

  I love this because it begins to capture a small bit of understanding behind the truth of God’s gift of free will and his sovereignty. As said before, I believe God has created each and every one of us with our own unique abilities. He is the ultimate provider and sustainer, and I truly believe that the Lord provides for his will to be done. But if he has allowed sin to be in the world then he has allowed us the free will to choose between what will please the Lord and what will please ourselves. We can choose to turn away from our God, to trust our own judgment, which will inevitably build a wall up between our personal relationships with the Lord. This does not mean you can mess up God’s will, as he can take anything we give to him and make it beautiful. He makes all things beautiful in their own time (Ecclesiastes 3:11) and he works all things for good and his glory (Romans 8:28).

            So to all of those who are so easily angered by those who constantly claim that the Lord will provide but refuse to take steps to personally invest in the process, I understand. I understand that if there is something that the Lord wants spoken, he will make the rocks cry out (Luke 19:40), but I have come to believe that God’s heart may be bigger and more loving than to do that all the time. He has called his creation and his beloved children to a higher standard. God desires to see us love each and serve each other, just as a Father desires to see his sons and daughters share in loving one another. As God sent his son to prove, God desires for us to take hold of the freedom he has so bountifully given us and take ownership of the Holy Spirit who lives inside of us. Let us admit we are broken, admit we have failed, and believe that Jesus Christ’s death on the cross is the only way to pay for all the ways we daily trust in our own judgment and turn away from our Father in heaven. Once we recognize our need for the spirit, then we can depend on its power. We can choose to claim the divine gift we have been given and use it for God’s glory!

Trip update:

-         - Amidst the chaos of traveling (we actually had a woman who screamed for the plane to stop in Ethiopia after running down the aisle claiming someone stole her cell phone)

-          I have officially become a part of my team’s family! Their names are Kathryn, Justin, Paige, Andrea, Joe, and Jonathan.

-          We are in Nygatare which is about three hours away from the rest of the World Race squad in the capital Kigali

-          Although we are away from the bustling capital city, we are in a smaller town which has some cars, shops, and a few other signs of industrialization. But it also has a beautiful view of the beautiful nature and agriculture surrounding the town, complete with stunning trails to run along as the sun rises:)

-          This town’s host is Pastor Caleb, who I believe is from Uganda but moved here sometime after the genocide in 1994.  He is very excited to have us preach in his church service (which is held EVERY day), but as many of you know, I am scared to death of speaking in front of people. So prayers for confidence and for my words to not be my own, but the breath of the Holy Spirit, would be really great.

-          I absolutely love my team, and already have been able to have so many real conversations with them. The organization (Adventures In Missions) has a model set up called “feedback” which is just a healthy way to communicate encouragement as well as to deal with conflict. It has allowed me to openly trust and quickly build relationships with my brothers and sisters on this team, which is a million prayers answered already!

Awaiting the Adventure: Grace Rains Down

June 27, 2012

Friends & Family,

I am so excited to see what the Lord is going to be doing in the next few weeks as I explore his mission field in Rwanda, loving on his precious sons and daughters of Africa! I told many of you that I would be able to post on this blog about once a week, but I have now been told that I may not have that much access to it. In that case, I will have to record everything in a journal and maybe post the updates on here when I come home. Either way, brief highlights will be posted on here at some point:)
First of all, thank you thank you THANK YOU to everyone who is supporting me on this journey. Words cannot describe how much this opportunity means to me, and I can't wait to share it with you as well.
Second, I want to share with you some of my thoughts behind this blog. I came up with the web address "by grace through faith" from the verse in Galatians 2:8-9 which says

"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God- not by works so that no one can boast."

It is so very important to me that those of you who read this understand that my choice to go on this trip was fueled by my passion for loving God's precious sons & daughters overseas. I am not doing it because it is "what Christians are supposed to do". If I can prove anything with my posts on here, I hope to prove to you that following Jesus Christ is different than following a religion. In contrast to what many churches teach, Jesus never wanted strict obedience, nor did he really desire proof of love and dedication by his follower's acts of service. It is for freedom, that Christ has set us free!

 As I have been learning from Mike Smith, and from my own studies of scripture, Jesus was after a transformed heart. Try taking a look at the people who Jesus hung out with. He was constantly with the ostracized of society, loving the ones who everyone else rejected. And it is no wonder that he did so; the least of society are the ones most aware of their messiness, of how they have fallen short, and their need for Christ. It is BY GRACE that we are saved! How much more free can we be?! If it is by the Lord's grace and by Jesus Christ's death on the cross that we have been saved, then it doesn't really matter what we do; if I am attempting to follow in the footsteps of Jesus, and pursue having a heart transformed like his, then it doesn't matter if I hit a few bumps along the road. Our lousy attempts of doing good are nothing but dirty rags compared to Jesus, who lived a life without sin. We are already expected to sin, for ALL have fallen short (Romans 3:23), so why not begin to love others as if we believed this to be true?
Loving people the way Jesus has is my main goal on this trip and honestly, all I really want to do with my life. I want to love God's creation and his people the way that he has loved me. I have spent too much of my life for myself already, wasting the precious few days away I have on this earth to try satisfying my own needs that will never even be met!

So please join me on this adventure, whether you are a part of my family in Christ, or if you are interested in learning about what this family is like. Even if you have been deeply hurt and put off by some form of religion and do not understand any of this, I beg you to please try listening to someone who has been there, has given an ear to a different story, and accidentally fallen madly in love with her creator:)